Lilypie Second Birthday tickers

Lilypie Second Birthday tickers

Wednesday, December 31, 2008

Christmas Pictures!

SO Christmas time has come and gone again and this year presents were, again, not disappointing! : ) Our "boys" loved Christmas so much! There are many other pictures but here they are wearing their new bandannas and this was before the one on the left (AKA trouble) tore his brother's off. Thanks Cashy ;)

My tree is next and I loved it this year. Well, I love my tree every year so this is nothing new ; )

Okay, now on to the best part! Travis gave me presents and even had a little something to say before I opened each one. The first one I opened is the "Breakfast at Tiffany's" DVD and he told me before I opened it that this one was to show he "paid attention to me". I think I told him about a year ago I loved this DVD and wanted it. I was surprised and touched to find it in the box :)

The second present I opened was my sign. It says "All Because Two People Fell In Love" I love this sign and had it played at my wedding for my parents to dance to. Travis told me that this was to show me that he remembers "everything about us"...Swwwooon!!

The last gift was my Willow Tree Angel figurine. I recently started loving these and thought about collecting them. This one is called "Cherish" and it says Awaiting a Miracle. Travis told me this one shows me "That I believe in us". At this point it was full on waterworks for me. With out 2 angels, we have moments of lost hope at moments and this made me realize he is still "awaiting our miracle" and it just made me so happy and sad at the same time...I love this boy!

On the TTC front... I am, from what I can base on with CM, at either 9 or 10 dpo, which would mean that my period should show up shortly either late tonight or tomorrow. I have a 11 day LP just by default, because AF always shows at night on 10 dpo...but since its around 10pm, I always put it on the next day. I havent had any spotting eiher which is good news, so I will just wait and see! I hope this is it...

I will test on Sunday if no AF! Woot!

Hope everyone had a wonderful Christmas!

Wednesday, December 24, 2008

Christmas time!!

I am like a kid on Christmas...literally! I cannot sleep, hence the 1:30 am blog post while both my doggies and my husband are sleeping in the other room. I am so excited for Christmas! I am the type of girl that gets so happy for get-togethers and parties and the such. I love entertaining, and hosting is even more fun! I just love Christmas in general so I guess thats why. I also love Christmas because Travis gets the best gifts. Seriously, he puts a lot of thought into his gifts.

For example:

First Christmas together: I got a hand made pop-up book chronicaling our 186 days together :) And he also made me a "Boy meets Girl" DVD with pictures and music perfectly timed.

2nd Christmas: A framed poster of my favorite picture "The Sailor and the Nurse". You know the one kissing in Times Square... LOVED IT!!!

3rd: A Novel with our names in it as the main cute. It even had little inside jokes printed Travis loves Pizza Rolls, and in the novel, his nickname was Pizza Roll King! lol

4th: I got the DVD of Sleeping Beauty and a statue of Sleeping Beauty to put in our nursery for a girl. See the story is, I loved loved Sleeping Beauty as a little girl and I had it on Beta (remember that?!) I was so upset (like crying upset) when I was 5 and found out my Beta wouldn't fit in my VCR player. DH remembered and bought it for me so I would always have it :)

Okay so this Christmas I have no idea what I am getting and I am so excited about it! I cannot wait to open what sweet and thoughtful gift he got me this year!

Another thing I have no clue of... When I Oed! And its fun! I mean who would have thought that I would be okay with not being in control of my cycle?! I usually freak out about now, being that I am sure I am in the 2ww...but you know what...I am not so sure. And thats okay! I think that if this cycle is a bust I will not temp next cycle either and just play it by ear. Wierd thing though. You know when people say that they "just knew" they were pregnant? I hate to even say this because it sounds kind of absurd, but after we "did it" (sorry the 13 year old in me came out ;) on cd 14, I kinda got this chills and tingly, and just smiled. I felt this before and I turned out to be pregnant. Now I am not holding my breath (I might just pass out) but my sister felt this way both times too so I am anxiously waiting for January 2nd or 3rd when I "believe" AF will be due. I would love all the prayers and good vibes you may have, and believe me...the favor will be reciprocated!!! :)

Merry Christmas!

Thursday, December 11, 2008

Not a day goes by, sweet angels, that we don't miss you both...

To those of you who look away when I grow teary eyed in the baby department, look a little deeper.
Surely you have some compassion in your heart.

To those of you who change the subject when I speak my child's name, change your way of thinking.
It may just change your whole life.

To those of you who roll your eyes and say we barely had them at all, how could we miss them so much, in our hearts we have seen them live a thousand times. We have seen their first steps, first day of school, their weddings, and their children. We have had them forever in our minds.

To those who say we can have another, even if we had twenty more they would never be the child we lost, and we will always miss them.

To those who say get on with my life, I have. It is a different life, the life of a grieving mother. One with a tremendous amount to be thankful for, but also one with a lot to mourn the loss of.

Do not judge a bereaved mother. She comes in many forms.

She is breathing, but she is dying.

She may look young, but inside she has become ancient.

She smiles, but her heart throbs.

She walks, she talks, she cooks, she cleans, she works, she IS, but she is NOT, all at once.

She is here, but part of here is elsewhere for eternity.

Do not dismiss us: we have shaped more than just the future generation.

We have released all the tiny angels who are watching over you.

Open your eyes to us, and you just might see them.

Monday, December 8, 2008

Trying not to dwell on it too much...

So my period arrived right on time. "She" always decides to arrive around 10 or so on 11dpo...waiting just long enough for me to hope she isn't coming (bitch) but long enough that I feel comfortable marking 12dpo as cd 1 to make my luteal phase longer (okay, thats good I guess)

Anyway, I am not too too concerned as this is only my first cycle. I was kinda hoping my 40 lb weight loss would give me a leg up, but I am fully aware that there is still only a 20% chance regardless, so even though I was disappointment (naturally), I am ready to get on with it.

This next cycle though, I am thinking about taking a temping break. This past 2ww has been pretty nice without waking up every morning to take my temp so I think I might continue the trend. I have charted for 11 long cycles, so I think that I have gotten the hang of my O days and the such. I am not even going to back it up or anything with OPKs because I am a rebel like that ;) I am going back to back to my first cycle ever where I only tried on a hope and a prayer. God blessed us then, here's to hoping he will do the same this time. If not, it looks like in January, we will be testing on our birthday (should be anywhere from 11-13dpo) so thats fun. (Travis and I have the exact same birthday, just he is 4 years earlier...pretty cool huh!?)

Ahhh so Christmas is in the air. I love this time of year! This past weekend we had our "kids until we have kids" over(the twins I nannied for 5 years) :) and we gave them their Christmas presents. Now that they are 11, they are too "cool" for toys and both want laptops and digital cameras (which they got for their birthday! Spoiled!) So since we arent going to buy them a laptop (hehe), we went the clothes route, because if its one thing these girls love...its clothes (awww just like their "momma" Chelsey ;) We got them these long tunic/dress things and some leggings that were more like tights. They ran off to try them on. We also got them t-shirts that were pretty cool, so when they went to go try those on, Myah (the more shy one) brought along her jeans to put it on with. MacKenzie (we'll call her the exhibitionist ;) come prancing out in her new shirt and the leggings. I took a double take and never laughed so hard in my life when I saw her acting like there was nothing weird about coming out into the living room with tight leggings and a cute top on. I told her she should totally where them to school like that, and DH could not stop laughing. It was a fun moment! This prompted me to race her around the house to snap a shot of it. I will post it later, but I will tell you...this shot made me almost pee my pants. Travis said we were going to put it on myspace...that alone made her mortified (p.s. we wont do that ;)

So all in all, a good weekend. Some drama, but that is to be expected in my life. Why is it that since I have none of my own, people want to bring it to me. I don't get it. Hey, at least I can be the calm listening ear, and then hang up and go back to my wonderful husband and my cute little life. I told Travis last night how much I love my little family (us and our dogs) and how happy I am. He hugged me tight and told me "me too love" I love him.

Tuesday, December 2, 2008

Kenny Chesney makes some good songs...

Watch this video...warning, it made me bawl on the way home from work tonight. I mean like, sob bawl. I just kept thinking about my babies.

On Thanksgiving night, Travis and I were driving home and a song came on the radio. Travis usually doesn't like country and I do, and he was about to change the channel, but I stopped him. I told him this was a good song and he should listen to it. We just held hands and listened to the lyrics and when good parts came up we would squeeze each other's hand. I love my husband. He gets me.

Here is the song:

The Good Stuff
Well, me and my lady had our first big fight
So I drove around 'till I saw the neon lights
Of a corner bar, It just seemed right, So I pulled up
Not a soul around but the old barkeep
Down at the end and loooking half asleep
But he walked up and said what'll it be?
I said the good stuff
He didn't reach around for the whiskey
He didn't pour me a beer
His blue eyes kinda went misty
He said you can't find that here
'Cause it's the first long kiss on a second date
Momma's all worried when you get home late
And droppin' the ring in the spaghetti plate 'cause
your hands are shakin' so
And it's the way that she looks with the rice in her
Eatin' burnt supper the whole first year
And askin' for seconds to keep her from tearin' up
Yeah man, that's the good stuff

He grabbed a carton of milk and he poured a glass
And I smiled and said I'll have some of that
We sat there and talked as an hour passed like old
Saw a black and white picture and he caught my stare
It was a pretty girl with mufont hair
He said that's my Bonnie, taken about a year after we
He said I spent five years in the bottle when the
cancer took her from me
But I've been sober three years now
'Cause the one thing stronger than the whiskey
Was the sight of her holdin' my baby girl
The way she adored that string of pearls
I gave her the day that our youngest boy Earl married
his high school love
It's a new t-shirt sayin' I'm a grandpa
Bein' right there as our time got small
And holdin' her hand when The Good Lord called her up
Yeah man, that's the good stuff

He said when you get home she'll start to cry
When she says I'm sorry, say so am I
And look into those eyes so deep in love
And drink it up
'Cause that's the good stuff
That's the good stuff

So, I saw another shooting star tonight. This makes the second I have seen this month. The third I have seen in my life. I am a believer in signs and such. I think its my babies. Telling Mommy they are having a blast up in heaven and everything is okay. When I saw the first one, I grinned. Tonight, I was beaming. I love them and I hope they are having the time of their life up there. :)

Well I am 6 dpo and not temping. I have had some sore boobs, backache and cramping and the tiniest bit of spotting tonight. Probably wouldn't have seen it if I am not OCD about toilet paper since my m/c. I think its a habit (a gross one!) , but I check my TP every time. Weird. I am hoping for the best but preparing for the worst, if you are picking up what I am putting down. Fingers crossed!

Monday, November 24, 2008

Eerie vibe and Superstitions

I have to say I am excited about TTC again. It is fun to look forward to something every month and get a little giddy even if it doesn't work out.

With that being said...I have this really eerie, completely relaxed vibe about me. Its like a "whatever happens will happen" thing. I can honestly say this has not happened to me once since starting TTC. Since cycle one I have been a crazy lady, timing sex, over analyzing symptoms, religiously checking CM in random bathrooms ;)

But this time around, I am cool as a cucumber. DH went out with the boys on Saturday and had a little too much fun, and so he was sleepy last night. When I came home to find him asleep, I was okay with letting him sleep even though it was a "sex" night. He actually ended up waking up, but even if he didn't, I would have been okay with it. I used to be the pouty wife that would moan until he gave in, but this time I was content to let him sleep. That's weird.

So this is where I get all psychological on myself. I really and truly believe the reason this is happening is because I don't want to get my hopes up just to get them dashed. I was so excited last month when we decided that this month would be "The Month". Now, I honestly think my brain and body both are preventing me from heartbreak. I am almost okay with the fact that this could take a while. Its crazy that I am not crazy :) I mean, don't get me wrong, I am really excited, but I guess since it has been about 15 months since we started this journey, I am okay now with not rushing it and letting it happen. Also, I want my next pregnancy to be as stress free as possible and I think that my body is finally on the same page as my brain. They are finally working together...yay!

On a side note, I am a dork and I admit it. I believe in lucky pennies, wishing at 11:11, and the such. The other day I was driving home late from work and I saw a shooting star. I made a wish that God would give us a healthy baby this month. Last night, DH and I bought some scratch off lottery tickets. We got 5 of them, and I had to go into work, so DH scratched off 4 of them and left one for me to do (he always has better luck than me, so I always want him to scratch them off...but I think they are fun so I always do one. We have a bit of a obsession :) Anyway, DH wakes up, we do our "thing", and I go to scratch off my lottery ticket (so romantic I know ;) Well, DH had scratched off all losers, so I yelled jokingly to him that if I scratched off a winner, maybe tonight will be our lucky night. I scratched off 4 out of 5 sections, and thought I lost, until the last one revealed a little reindeer with a $1 prize! Now, I know a buck is not that big of a deal, but to the forever believer of fairy tales, I got a little, don't dash my hopes yet fate...I like believing in this stuff, okay? :) Lets hope this month is as lucky as it can be!

Wednesday, November 12, 2008

The day is finally here!

Okay first off, I saw this pic of my crazy DH and literally LOL. He looks crazy and my poor doggy looks so scared. Thanks for the laugh love (he did this while I was at work....dork!)
Well, okay so its probably going to be tomorrow, but whatever ;)

We are now, officially, really, trying to have a baby again!! Woot!

Can I start by saying how incredibly freaked out I am. I mean, unfortunately I am not in a situation where I think that my miscarriages were flukes. There is really something wrong with my uterus that just doesn't like a baby. Its selfish like that. (okay so not something for me to be joking about I know ;) But, surprisingly enough, I am so optimistic! My OB is AMAZING, so that helps and she has a "gameplan" so whenever I get my +test, she told me to call her, day or night, and we would start up on my meds to help this baby stick around for, oh, about 40 weeks, give or take a few :)

I am worried about telling people too when we get pregnant again. I mean, I am not looking for a balloon bouquet or a marching band, but I am kind of worried that we will get the "oh are you nervous" responses instead of the "I am so happy for you" ones. But I will take that all in stride, and like my husband says, I think too much and worry, so until I can actually make that announcement I will push that thought from my mind.

Anyway, I am rambling, but I am so happy and excited! I mean, this is what I worked for! I lost 40 lbs for this day to come! Yay!

Oh and another thing. The last cycle I got pregnant, I started a mantra. That may sound wierd, but every morning, I looked into the bathroom mirror and said "This is going to be my month". Yeah, and it was. So even though that could have been a stroke of luck, and I may end up saying F mantras by the next cycle, that is my game plan this month...oh and no temping during the 2ww. Believing in postitive thoughts and not stressing myself out has worked before, lets hope it can work again!!

Sunday, November 9, 2008

I am a obsessor...

I wish I could go to sleep and wake up in 5 days. Not only could I reeeeaaaallly use the sleep, but that way I would stop obsessing over a freaking chart that could no way in hell equal pregnancy. I mean, seriously, the only time we had sex during my "fertile" time was on ovulation, buuuut we used protection! So tell me why in the world am I psyching myself out with phantom symptoms and chart stalking?! I am crazy thats why :) I just wish I could get through a 12 day LP (::crossing fingers::) and move on to the next cycle. The next one we actually get to try!

On another note I started using this cruncher at the gym and my freaking abs are soooo sore this morning! I figured that I would get them in some sort of shape before I get my BFP just so I can get them out of shape during pregnancy. ; ) Its so worth it though in the end.

Anyway, this was just a random post about not a whole lot of anything. I am really tired so I am not even sure it made a lot of sense. lol

Saturday, November 1, 2008

My niece and nephew...

Have got to be the cutest things since baby bottoms! Hayden is front and center for us as Batman, but you can see a bit of the ever precious Bailey in the background. Shes a bumblebee...her nickname has always been Bee. So so so stinking cute!

Friday, October 31, 2008

What a Friday night...

So I have had the gamet of killer colds this week. Monday I felt like death, but surprisingly the next day I was okay. Wednesday I had the stomach flu...I will spare you the details, but it was not pretty. And yesterday I got a sinus infection and with my horrendous asthma, it has equaled not being able to breathe pure hell. I went to the doctor today and got not one, not two, but 5 freaking prescriptions! So, I was getting ready to settle in my sweats and relax while the medicine does its job and I wait for my show to come on. I then see that my DVR is set to record NCIS. Um no, its supposed to be the Ex List. I thought this show was so cute! I actually look forward to quiet nights on Fridays to watch TV (Travis is at school) but no, NBC cancelled it and replaced it with reruns...they suck!

Now I am typing on the computer bitching about how bad my Friday has sucked so far instead of vegging out by the TV with a warm blanket and a show that made me smile. This sucks. I guess I am off to take some cough medicine with codeine (exactly what I need...I am a grump pants) and watch some What Not to Wear that was DVRing. I hope everone else is having a better Halloween! : (

BTW, I had trick or treaters last night (?) My little town decided to split up "neighborhood trick or treating" on different nights, which means we went last night. Its a little odd, but it was cute when the fire truck stopped in front of my house and was passing out candy. The kids were adorable...except the 14 year old douchebags that literally dug their hands into MY candy bowl...Thank you very much! I was <----> this close to calling after them asking where their mom was...but I remembered I am not that old ;)

Scaredy cat me is off to watch my other show (boo) while flipping back and forth to Ghosthunters, hoping not to catch too scary parts ;)

Sunday, October 26, 2008

So...November it is!

Travis came home about 2 weeks ago and told me that no matter what, he wanted to try for a baby again come January. I was so happy I bawled! We both decided to wait until I had lost 60 lbs, but with my progress so far (about 38 lbs and 11 inches from my waist), it was agreed that I would continue to lose the weight, but we would try again in January anyway.

Well...I guess its true what they say...when the baby bug bites, the urge is just too strong, because yesterday, while driving and talking about babies and hoping for little girls, Travis turns to me and says "Whatta bout next month?" I asked him what he meant and he said, we can try next month! I was just too excited!!! So I am hoping that me losing this weight has allowed me to have a leg up on the statistics and hopefully we can let my family know by Christmas that we are expecting a miracle! That would be so fun! Yeah, I know, cart before horse...I have to actually be pregnant first, but a girl can dream right?! Oh man, I just wish I would freaking ovulate already and then we can start counting down the days...its really happening! I am so scared and excited all at the same time! YAY!

Thursday, October 16, 2008

I lit a candle for my babies...Yesterday was Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Day. My candles are listed under CJ. I miss my babies more than anything in the world. I cried, I reflected, and I hoped. Please God...Send me a healthy baby...I just want to hold my miracle in my arms this time....Amen.

Thursday, October 2, 2008


heres the costume...I forgot to post the pic : ) duh!

You say its your birthday...

My mom and g-ma's birthdays are within a week of each other so we had a fun day on my parent's farm. As always, I took way too many pics of the kiddos, but they are so stinking cute, how could I not?! : )

Last Saturday we scoured the halloween shops, goodwill, and the internet to find fun costumes for M & M. Myah couldn't find anything she wanted to be!! Kenzie on the other hand, was so fun...She is going to be a Rubiks Cube!!! We made her costume on Saturday (they helped me) and I think it turned out so cute! They are turning 11 soon so I explained that now is the time to be something fun, and not your normal pirate or princess. Myah is a snot though ; )...she said she still wants to be a pirate. Oh well, you will some and lose some!

I talk about the twins sometimes so I thought I should explain. My sister and their mom used to be best friends. I started to nanny for her when they just turned 5. I continued to nanny for them until they were 10. I love these girls. I raised them mostly. Their mom is a good mom, but she is never home. She is a single mom and would work from 9 to 9 almost everyday as a car sales manager. I bought her kids clothes, made the dinner every night, baths every night, homework everyday, etc. They called me mommy Chelsey. When I moved away(about 30 minutes) I couldn't watch them anymore. It was too long of a commute with traffic, but I promised we would keep in touch. Travis and I love those girls more than anything. They are basically our "kids", until we have our own. And even when we have our own, I will still continue to see them twice a month, and then eventually, they will babysit! At least thats the plan. Pretty soon I think they will think we aren't so cool :( lol

Anyway, not much going on. First graders are fun but exhausting, and surprisingly, the hotel is even more exhausting than first graders! I cannot wait until I just get to only aide and drop the hotel. They are really starting to drive me crazy!'

Oh yeah...another 10 lbs lost! 35 lbs total and only 25 more to go until we can TTC again! Yay!

Wednesday, September 24, 2008

post and run!

First, we had a "hurricane" where I live and the photo are my niece and nephew during our power outage (I was babysitting) We were lucky enough to have it restored the next morning. Aren't they adorable? We also made cookies as soon as the power went back on :) Oh, and the one crazy baby pic...yeah my nephew took that, in the dark, and when I saw the camera pic, I realized she was drawing on my couch in crayon! So, a special thanks to Hayden, my detective! lol.

I have been so busy lately! I took on a new job as a teacher's aide for first grade, so, yay! But, since Travis is still considered a intern at his job, he does not get any benefits, so I have to keep on full time at my old job until he finds something better, so, boo! I have been working everyday now this week from 9:30 to 2:30, then I hop in my car and drive 20 minutes to work 3:00 to 9:00. What fun! The hotel really needs a manager though at this time. My GM and AGM both are quitting (long story involving the RM) and so I get to hold down the fort. I recently made the decision to change career fields, so I thought I was going to get out of a few job responsibilities that were stressing me out, but no, I get more :(

Y'all have a great week! I doubt I will be on the nest or here much until it starts to settle down :(

Wednesday, September 10, 2008

Sorry honey, I'm cheating on you ;)

I am in love! My parents used this machine more as a coat rack than a piece of awesome exercise equipment so Travis and I decided to take it off their hands (with their blessings of course!)

We brought it home a little over a week ago and I have tried to be on it every night since! It is so fun to do, but I feel like I am actually working out, ya know? It will hopefully help shed those last 35 lbs with ease...

With that being said, I have now lost another inch and a half from my waist, which brings my grand total inches lost to 8 1/2 and 25 lbs! I was so excited when I looked at the measuring tape the other day. I couldn't believe my eyes!

We are just this much closer to my TTC goal of 60 lbs! Once I hit that mark, Travis and I will be free to TTC. BTW, this is not something my doctors told us to do, but something we both agreed would make a future pregnancy easier on my body. Lets hope!

Monday, August 25, 2008

Its a WRAP--up ;)

I'm a dork. Yes, I admit it :)


It has to be said that I love my job. I love the people I work with. I love my guests. I even love the lady that took my housekeeping manager position (because even though she has a ton more experience, I now know I would have never cut it back there!).

The "kiddos" I work with (ages 19-21) are awesome and we have fun when we work. I am around these guys more than my own family mostly because a "hotel never closes" and we have become close. This part is not so much a wrap up, but oh well. :)


My adorable husband is shingle free!!! He is feeling so much better and I couldn't be happier. People who say that marriage gets better year after year really knew what they were talking about. I love him more than I did when I married him ( and I loved him a LOT then! :) He just gets funnier, sweeter, and more amazing...okay cheesy moment over.

Body Transformation:

I have lost 20 pounds!!! And about 6 inches from my waist...HOLY HELL! I fit into a size smaller (sometimes 2 sizes smaller, depends on the brand!) and I feel a ton better. Travis is even noticing and he is not one to take notice on this sort of stuff. He joked the other day that "he thought I was hot before, but damn, I better stop or I am not going to be let out of the house!" haha. Hes a dork too ;)

I can officially run a mile too! I have worked hard towards this and I can last at a jog for 1 mile. I used to run about 6 miles a days for soccer, but had not done that in a long time, so this is a big accomplishment!

Travis is also going to get my parents BRAND NEW elliptical machine from their house because my mom uses it as a clothes hanger more than anything and they are never home anyway (travel a ton!). This is like a $2000 piece of equipment...YAY! Its going in the "nursery" until we have a good "excuse" to move it out. :)


I went to my 4 year old nephew's first t ball game last Wednesday. He is VERY good at hitting the ball! They throw it to them 3 times first, and then they get to hit it off the tee until they hit it. My nephew doesn't even need the tee! I am super proud of him. Buuuttt....I have to laugh when I type this, but he is so stinking funny in the outfield. He either sits down and picks grass, turns the other way from the ball, or walks off the field to his mommy. I was cracking up! My sister just made his turn back around and his coach held his shirt most of the time so he wouldn't sit down :) Hes only 4, and we are pretty sure hes just bored out there.

In other family news, pretty much my whole stinking family is going to Holiday World this next weekend! YAY! Holiday World is a amusment park to those who don't know, and I've never been there, but hear its a lot of fun. My sister and my niece Makayla (9) are coming in from Nashville, my other sister and BIL with Bailey (20 months) and Hayden (4) are coming, and the twins I used to nanny for ( we love them like our own) and me and Travis. Thats a lot of people to keep track of but it will be tons of fun!

Okay...long post, but I felt the need to wrap up for my own sake...told you I was a dork ;)

BTW...the kids above are the ones we are going loves of my life!

Thursday, August 14, 2008

I feel like its my fault

My amazing, loving, honest, never hurt a fly husband has shingles. Yep...shingles. He started with a rash on his face that we both thought came from shaving. This "rash" started to spread to his hair line and neck, and behind his ears and he started getting these horrible shooting pains up through his face. That was enough "bravery" for me...he had to go to the doc, which he put up a fight for, but he finally relented and went.

Shingles is basically chicken pox for adults. Adults who have had chicken pox keep it dormant in their system, until the "lucky" few get shingles. Shingles is brought on in mostly older people, that are sick, tired, or namely, stressed. My husband is the stressed one....and its all my fault! His doctor even said he was so surprised to see it in a patient so young (29). I feel so bad for him.

Ever since my 2nd m/c, Travis has been taking things harder. He gets upset to see me upset, he feels like he let me down because he wasn't able to protect me, and he has been throwing himself into work and school, just trying to keep his mind off of it. Since then, he has been under tremendous amounts of stress.

Now this is not a woe is me sort of post. I am seriously worried about him. I really feel like if my silly body would just cooperate with my pregnancies, then we wouldn't be in this situation. Travis would be a doting dad right now instead of in intense pain that makes him clinch his jaws in mid-sentence. This sucks that I added to his stress, and may have even caused it. But, I am able to understand that there are tons of things in life that I cannot control, and this is one of them.

The problem it the Catholic in that I have such extreme guilt that I "caused" this, that I am waiting on him hand and foot, constantly apologizing to him and asking him if he is okay. He loves it, but deep down I know I am starting to annoy him.

Well, anyway, this is more a vent...I just need to get over myself ;)

“I'm an Irish Catholic and I have a long iceberg of guilt”

~Edna O'Brien

Thursday, August 7, 2008

found this gem...brings me much peace.

I still have my days. I cry myself to sleep. I try to be strong. I cannot be strong all the time. This past weekend was the wedding. Some of Travis' friends have adorable babies and cute kids. This was a recipe for disaster. We were supposed to have a 2 month old by now. We were also supposed to be announcing our pregnancy to our friends and families at the wedding. Instead, Travis bombs his best man speech because its right after his best friend dance with his 8 year old to "Stealing Cinderella" and we promptly say our good byes after the cake cutting. We had a night of hugging and hoping, crying and sharing. I just wish we could do all that with a baby in my belly or better yet in my arms. This is pretty hard.

Glory baby you slipped away as fast as we could say baby…baby..
You were growing, what happened dear?
You disappeared on us baby…baby..
Heaven will hold you before we do
Heaven will keep you safe until we’re home with you…
Until we’re home with you…

Miss you everyday
Miss you in every way
But we know there’s a
day when we will hold you
We will hold you
You’ll kiss our tears away
When we’re home to stay
Can’t wait for the day when we will see you
We will see you
But baby let sweet Jesus hold you
‘till mom and dad can hold you…
You’ll just have heaven before we do
You’ll just have heaven before we do

Sweet little babies, it’s hard to
understand it ‘cause we’re hurting
We are hurting
But there is healing
And we know we’re stronger people through the growing
And in knowing-
That all things work together for our good
And God works His purposes just like He said He would…
Just like He said He would…

I can’t imagine heaven’s lullabies
and what they must sound like
But I will rest in knowing, heaven is your home
And it’s all you’ll ever know…all you’ll ever know…

Friday, August 1, 2008

Its a Wedding Weekend!

My husband's best friend is getting married this weekend! Travis will be the best man and I cannot wait to see him look adorable in his tux, even though he will be grumbling the whole day about how uncomfortable it is. He is more a basketball shorts and t-shirt guy.

I am really looking forward to this weekend. For one, I LOVE weddings. They are such fun and happy days. Two, I love my husband's friends. They are cool people and we don't get out much. Third, I have been working out super hard and the dress I bought for the event look smoking on me (if I shall say so myself ;)

There is one reason I am not looking forward to this wedding. My lovely husband and the bride don't get along so well. Every time they see each other, its like a verbal sparring match on who can get the best sarcastic line off on each other. DH usually gets upset because he thinks shes a "bitch"...his best friend gets upset because he doesn't want them to "fight" (if thats what you call it) I just get annoyed because its like a battle of who has the bigger balls. I mean seriously, what woman fights with a man for fun like that when they are trying to be malicious. I guess I am what you would call a "lady", but she seriously takes things waaaaaay too far and is always like this. Also, my husband is sooo at fault too, because he doesn't like to "lose", which he doesn't understand that he is losing when he just doesn't ingore her. Its annoying, I can't find a better word to explain it. I am still looking forward to the wedding though. I figure they will both be on their best behavior there ;)

On a side note...I took my doggie walk/running last night and hes limping this morning. He is 7 and a lab so he is prone to arthritis in the hip. This is the first time we have run (yay! I havent done this in years!). but the poor thing is paying for it today :( I guess I will be taking my 2 year old lab on any running escapades from now on ;)

Have a great weekend!!!

If you can imagine it, you can achieve it; if you can dream it, you can become it.
William Arthur Ward

Thursday, July 24, 2008

Its been a while...

I am back in the saddle. Not the TTC saddle just yet (We aren't trying again until January), but the life saddle. Its amazing what some exercise can do for your overall well being! I have been walking about 5 days a week, about 2 miles a day, and I can feel myself looking and feeling so much better! No depression about my babies anymore, I am hopeful for the future, and my shorts that fit me tightly about a month ago are big enough to slide to my hips!!! Yay! I have not weigh myself because I don't really want to....I kinda want to do it in September when I can look down at the scale and see a huge drop in weight, oh and also the fact that I don't own one ;)

On my babies sidenote...I got this little bear from a help group called "Empty Arms" when I got my D&C in the hospital. The group doesn't want parents going home without something to hold... :( Well, I tell you what. I have not slept one night without that little bear since! Its crazy how much comfort a stuffed bear will bring to you. The plan is to sleep with this little bear until my baby is born and then it will have enough of my scent on it to comfort the baby....well, it better because thats still about a year away. I hope the little bear makes it that long though...I already busted off one of the strings that form his "toe" and I am pretty sure the eye is next ;) Its okay, I cannot wait to tell my baby the story of how much the bear kept mommy safe and happy, and I hope it will keep them safe and happy too.

They group also sent a little card in the bag that said we can donate in memory of our baby. We have already done this in honor of baby one and baby two...the loves of our lives, so far :)

Friday, June 27, 2008

well damn...

haha. The dumb picture things screwed up. The top pic is now and the bottom pic is before...not like you smart people couldn't figure that out ;)

So...yeah its time for a change.

So the first pic is what I used to look like after losing 110 lbs. I want this back. It took me nearly a year and about 2 hours of workouts everyday, but I did it.

The now. I don't like the now.

I asked my DH if it would be okay to join a gym tonight. He is a stickler for money and with the gas prices and raising costs in general, I was skeptical he would be okay with it. I mean, a extra $50 a month when money is tight is hard. But, I love him so much for this, he surprised me and told me that if it would make me happy...we could do that. He even said he would go with me! I am completely floored by that...he is not the athletic type! So, next week is gym shopping week.

My goal is to lose at least 30 lbs in 3 months. I need to get it off before starting to TTC again. I think it will make it easier next time on my body in general, to not only get pregnant, but to be healthy while pregnant. I am at such a risk right now for Gestational Diabetes (my sister had it, and my dad is insulin dependent). It helps and motivates that my doctor wants me to lose some weight as well, for me. I just have to get a kick in the ass every once and a while to get it done. Seeing these pictures side by side gives me that kick.

I did it before...I will do it again :)

Wednesday, June 25, 2008

Thanks Amanda...This poem is so true.

There are women who become mothers without effort,
without thought,
without patience or loss,
and though they are good mothers and love their children,
I know that I will be better.

I will be better not because of genetics or money or because I have read more books,
but because I have struggled and toiled for this child.

I have longed and waited.
I have cried and prayed.
I have endured and planned over and over again.

Like most things in life, the people who truly have appreciation are those who have struggled to attain their dreams.

I will notice everything about my child.
I will take time to watch my child sleep,
and discover.
I will marvel at this miracle every day for the rest of my life.

I will be happy when I wake in the middle of the night to the sound of my child, knowing that I can comfort, hold, and feed him and that I am not waking to take another temperature, pop another pill, take another shot or cry tears of a broken dream.
My dream will be crying for me.

I count myself lucky in this sense; that God has given me this insight, this special vision with which I will look upon my child.

Whether I parent a child I actually give birth to or a child that God leads me to, I will not be careless with my love.

I will be a better mother for all that I have endured. I am a better wife, a better aunt, a better daughter, neighbor, friend, and sister because I have known pain.

I know disillusionment, as I have been betrayed by my own body. I have been tried by fire and hell that many never face, yet given time, I stood tall.

I have prevailed.
I have succeeded.
I have won.

So now, when others hurt around me, I do not run from their pain in order to save myself discomfort. I see it, mourn it, and join them in theirs.
I listen.
And even though I cannot make it better, I can make it less lonely.

I have learned the immense power of another hand holding tight to mine, of other eyes that moisten as they learn to accept the harsh truth when life is beyond hard.

I have learned a compassion that only comes by walking in those shoes. I have learned to appreciate life.

Yes, I will be a wonderful mother.

(yes, this poem made me cry like a baby, big time)

Tuesday, June 24, 2008

Day 2 is harder I think

"For I have plans for you,' sayeth the Lord, 'plans to prosper you and not to harm you. Plans to give you a hope and a future." Jeremiah 3:22

I am really feeling the pain today. Its not only the physical soreness and such, but the heartbreak. When I wrote that my body needed closure, I didn't realize how right I really was. I am feeling pretty low right now...I don't want to eat, have lost a little hope, and all I want to do it sleep. Its like a depression. Of course, my body needs time to heal. It needs to grieve my loss, and I need to mourn my baby. I loved this little one...I will always love this little one.

On a happier note, here are my goals before we try to try again.

1. My # 1 one goal is to lose weight. I lost about 110 lbs about 2 years ago and I have gained quite a bit back. My ultimate goal is to lose 50 lbs. No, I will not lose that in 3 months, but I am hoping to lose about 30 by then...lofty, I know.

2. Get together a remeberance box for my little ones. Include u/s pics, pee stick pics, letters my DH and I wrote about their memories and my hospital bracelets, etc. I am really excited about doing this.

3. Find a new job. I love my job, I do, and as much as they are like family, I think I need something more. They know we are trying to have a baby, and now with 2 losses, they will be asking more and more every month if I am pregnant. I need a fresh beginning, where no one knows my back story unless I decide to tell them, and my co-workers don't know the time my period starts every month (seriously, How The Hell Do They Know This?!?!?) I actually got a call about a registration rep manager job in a hospital and put in there application and they are doing my background checks as we speak. I am pretty stoked about this.

Thats all I got for now. I will probably come up with more in the coming months.

God Bless.

Monday, June 23, 2008

Its really over now...

I have my D&C today, and have been looking forward to it. I want to know that my uterus "looks" okay, and that there is nothing wrong on that end. But, when I was hugging DH today and sending him off to work...I started crying, hard. My surgery today means its all over. Everything will be gone, no baby left. It made me realize thats its all over, that we have to start again. I guess this is the realization my body was searching for. Last time I had my m/c, they did everything in one day. This time I have had nearly a week between the bad news and the procedure. I have felt like I was in shock the past couple of days. I was in a numb state, not knowing what to feel or what to think. I felt guilty for taking the new better this time. I felt like I was a bitter person for thinking, well I kinda thought it might happen. I think what my body and mind were looking for the closure of it all. I think a lot of tears will be shed today. I am okay with that. I am okay because I have been waiting for the floodgates to open. I have felt so bad that I haven't cried too much. I have felt really numb to it all. But, finally, I have my closure.

According to aerodynamic laws, the bumblebee cannot fly. Its body weight is not the right proportion to its wingspan. Ignoring these laws, the bee flies anyway.
~M. Sainte-Lague

Thursday, June 19, 2008

the tears start coming at 2 am every morning...

2 am is my emotional time. the house is quiet, my awesome husband sleeps, and I remember my baby. I feel the need to be strong. I feel the need to make everyone think I am okay. I am not okay.

When the house is quiet, I can think. I don't have the phone calls that ask how I am doing. I don't have the people stopping by to see if I am okay. I just have myself and my emotions. This is the time I cherish. I want to remember my babies. I loved them, and its hard to let them go.

I Will Carry You

There were photographs I wanted to take
Things I wanted to show you
Sing sweet lullabies, wipe your teary eyes
Who could love you like this?

People say that I am brave but I'm not
Truth is I'm barely hanging on
But there's a greater story
Written long before me
Because He loves you like this

So I will carry you
While your heart beats here
Long beyond the empty cradle
Through the coming years
I will carry you
All my life
And I will praise the One Who's chosen me
To carry you

Such a short time
Such a long road
All this madness
But I know
That the silence
Has brought me to His voice
And He says...

I've shown her photographs of time beginning
Walked her through the parted seas
Angel lullabies, no more teary eyes
Who could love her like this?

I will carry you
While your heart beats here
Long beyond the empty cradle
Through the coming years
I will carry you
All your life
And I will praise the One Who's chosen Me
To carry you

many emotions...

I have felt about a million emotions in the past week. One week ago yesterday, we saw our baby's heartbeat for the first time. We were ecstatic. I cried and DH giggled like a schoolgirl. Then, the spotting started. I was figuring it must have been from the exam and ultrasound, right? I mean, this cannot be happening again. There is no way we would have that bad of luck. See, when you see your baby's heartbeat, you have about a 95% chance that your baby will be okay. The majority of chromosomal abnormalities that cause miscarriages will not even let the heart beat. This is why so many people have early miscarriages and the % of risk goes down each week. So, even with the spotting I just kept repeating 5% every time I went to the bathroom and saw spotting. The spotting was intermittent until Sunday...Father's Day of all days, when I passed a few clots. Small ones, but clots nonetheless. I freaked, called the on-call doctor, and she said as long as I wasn't cramping, I should come in the next morning for a ultrasound. I couldn't stop crying, but my amazing husband kept telling me it would be okay. I believed him.

Monday comes and I go in right at 9:30. I was by myself, terrified of what they might find, and wondering if I would have a anxiety attack right there on the ultrasound table! Time moved so slowly. We started the ultrasound, and I held my breath. I just kept praying that God would make everything okay, and I could hear that amazing sound of my baby's heart once again. What felt like a million minutes later...there it was. Bum Bum, bum bum. It was so strong. The baby even grew! It had little arms and legs. It was at least a 1/4 of a inch longer! I was relieved.

I went through that day with no spotting and not a fear in the world. I mean, we saw the heartbeat twice. There has to be better odds with that! We loved this baby so much. We talked to baby every night. Travis put his hand on my belly every night and we prayed that God would keep our baby safe. We adored this child already.

Monday night, the day I heard my baby for the second time, I started cramping a little. I was so happy from that day I kept telling myself it was just cramping from the uterus stretching. It was okay, and I went to bed. The next morning, I still had cramping, but I had the worst morning sickness of my life, so I figured everything was still okay. I go to work, sit down at my desk and go on with my day. I started bleeding heavier that day and the cramps got continuously worse, but I kept telling myself it would be fine. It wasn't until about 3 pm that I started passing clots and had my husband pick me up from work to take me to the ER. Something was just not right.

When we get to the ER I started gushing blood (sorry TMI). I knew it was all over by then. 5 long hours later, we have made the decision to cremate the baby and I am sent home with medicine and a broken heart. You know, they don't make any medicine for that?! They really should, because thats what hurts the most. :(

So, emotions are running wild inside of me. I am most obviously upset. I am pissed off that it could happen again. I am scared that my body just doesn't like being pregnant. I am worried that they may not find out what wrong with me and I may never have babies of my own. I am depressed. I am confused. And most of all I am broken-hearted. We loved this little one. We loved our other little one we lost too. And I don't want to have anymore angels in heaven. 2 is enough for me. The next one, I wanna hold in my arms.

Success consists of going from failure to failure without loss of enthusiasm.
~Winston Churchill

Saturday, May 17, 2008

Don't mind me...I am just feeling a bit nostalgic ;)

Yay...Anniversary weekend and Shopping!

Can I just start out saying that I love 2 things very amazing husband and my love for the prospect of a new purse! ha!

We are taking a weekend away from it all and going outlet shopping! I am pretty excited! I know I will probably spend more money on my nieces and nephews than myself (I love Osh Kosh and outlets are the only place to get em cheap ;)

I am also very excited to spend alone time with my husband. With full time jobs and school, quality time is at a minimum right now. We love when we get any extra opportunity to hang out with each other.

So, a year has passed and it seems like it was yesterday we said our I dos. The actually anniversary isn't until Monday...but like I said with work and school, we will be "celebrating" a few days early. :)

Monday, May 12, 2008

I have the best, most creative, cutest hubby in the world!!!

So yesterday was mother's day. If you read my post below, I was pretty bummed. I went home early from work because I was feeling pretty sick, and I decided to go straight to my moms. Seeing my family helped ease my mind about the whole thing, but my mom kept bringing up my miscarriage! She meant well, but it still stung a bit. She was just telling me how proud she was that Travis and I want to make a stable loving home before we bring a baby into it, and how I was definitely a mom and she thinks I am going to make a great one. Then she gave me a mother's day gift...which I did not expect...a gift card for wal-mart for $50! Woo hoo!

On another note...Travis knew I was feeling down so he told me that he and the boys (our doggies) made me a present but I had to search for it. He told me they "discussed" that they wanted me to be surprised. I was tired and got home late, so I kinda forgot about it, but when I was going to bed, thats when I saw it on my nightstand. This is what I saw... (above)! He wrote them to make it look like the doggies did it and then he told me he took the dog's paw and the pen to make their "signature" and the hearts. I love this man! He is so creative and sooooo funny! I think I lost about 20 lbs from all the laughing and crying I did! I love him and our "boys"!!!

Saturday, May 10, 2008

Hello my heart.

Mother's Day is tomorrow. I thankfully have to work. Why do I say this? Because this is the day I was supposed to be celebrating my first ever mother's day as a, well, real mom. I would have been 8 months exactly tomorrow. I would have been ready to pop. I would have gotten so many cute things for my little one, and would be just about to use them all. I would almost be a mommy.

I thought about this all day today. I broke down in the bathroom. I broke down to my husband. I broke down in a vacant guest room for crying out loud! I just do not know how I will get through tomorrow. Its days like this I go back to where I was....and when I was getting so far from that place. It brings me back to that day all over again when the mom title was taken from me. These are the days I dread.

Tomorrow, I will be happy. I will put on a happy face for my co-workers who are moms, a happy face for my sisters, and a big smiling face for my Grandma and Mom. But believe me...inside I will be dying.

Thursday, May 8, 2008

The reasons for my extreme baby fever

This is Hayden, he'll be 4 soon!
This is Bailey, my 17 month old neice...

I love my niece and nephew. They seriously help my survive my hectic life. They are also my reason for the extreme baby fever I feel. I love those kids more than anything in the world. I spoil them too much, freak out like a mom when they are sick, and am usually the only one who can calm them down when they have their tantrums.

I get to babysit Bailey for 3 whole days on May 20th, while her mom and dad are on their "honeymoon" to Key West....only 5 years late ;)

I cannot wait. She lights up my and Dh's life. We adore this little girl. It will be so fun to play mom and dad for a couple of days! We cannot wait!

That will either help or hamper myself during the 2ww....we'll see :)

Wednesday, April 30, 2008

This will be my cycle...

I am a believer of positive thinking. I believe in mantras. That may sound weird, but at this point I am up for anything. So here goes.....

Every morning I wake up, brush my teeth, and then smile into the mirror and say these words...
"This is going to be my month"

Sounds simple, and not quite effective in the long run, eh?

I just have this idea that if I am positive about this whole thing, and not count myself out even before I ovulate, I can have a better shot. My body will love me more than being my normal worrying wanda self, and my mind will be clearer and more at ease.

Do I worry that I am preparing myself for a horrible letdown? Sometimes. Is it enough to make me stop telling myself this everyday? No way.

This is seriously the most hope I have had since cycle one post m/c. I'll take hope anywhere I can get it these days :)

This will be my cycle...

Monday, April 28, 2008

Why I want to lose the pounds...

First of all, this has nothing at all to do with outside appearance. There is this strange feeling I got about a year ago that I never thought would happen to me....I stopped caring about what other people think. So liberating! So this is more about how losing the weight will make me a better mom, wife, and person.

1. I want to be able to roll around on the floor with my babies. I tried the other days with my furbabies and it was not fun to be winded after 5 minutes.

2. I want my wedding bands to twirl when I mess with them. This may sound silly, but they have gotten tighter and I don't like it.

3. I want to live to see my children graduate, marry, and have tons of babies. I have a history of diabetes and heart disease and I hate to leave them before I got a chance to know they were okay in life.

4. I want to be able to spend as much time with my husband. He is my rock, and we know that without each other, we would crumble.

5. I want to be healthy, and instill healthy habits into my children.

6. I want to be a good role model.

I plan on reading this list everyday as part of my diet plan. I like having little reminders around to keep my booty in check ;)

0 lbs lost....50 to go.

Sunday, April 27, 2008

A little about my past... first blog post ever. Never thought I'd feel the need to express myself in any sort of "journaling" I wonder why I didn't start sooner.

I have wanted a baby ever since I was about, say, 3. All I wanted to be when I grew up was a mommy....well, that and a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader, but that isn't happening soon. ;)
Travis and I decided to wait until September to try to have a baby. It was all planned around school for me ( I am in school to become a elementary teacher) and we thought having a baby in June would be the perfect time for me to take some time off and be ready to be back hitting the books in August. So...we timed the good ol' sex, and lo and behold, 28 days later....we saw 2 lines on about 4 tests! (yes, I am neurotic) We were beyond ecstatic. Travis would kiss my belly every morning and we fell head first into planning our future as a "Mommy" and a "Daddy".

Something inside me told me that this was not right from the start though. Even though I enjoyed every minute of the baby related fun, I just had this gut feeling this may not last. I spotted my ENTIRE pregnancy! Some people say that they spot for a few days, but imagine going to the restroom everyday for a month and a half, crossing every appendage that you could, praying to God that there would be no sign of pink, brown, or red on the toilet paper. And now imagine being so disappointed when your fears were confirmed.

I had more ultrasounds in my 10 weeks of being pregnant than most girls have in the first 4 months. I went to the emergency room 3 times, and every time they just sent me home, told me not to worry, and try to take it easy. My husband thought that I was just freaking out about nothing..."Our baby is growing great!" I even got to see the little heartbeat on the monitor at 8 weeks, and the baby was on schedule. The OB said my spotting was just unfortunate stress on me, but that everything was going great. The ultrasound tech told me I only had a 5% chance of losing our baby. I tried to not worry about it, but in the back of my head, I knew they were all wrong.

At 10 weeks exactly, my worst fears became my reality. The bleeding became heavy, the cramps were unbearable, and I knew I was not going to be a mommy any longer.
I still remember the looks I received from everyone that early morning. They said "Poor Girl...I'm glad thats not me..." and I avoided eye contact with everyone for a few days. I felt like my whole world was ripped out from underneath me. It was like a scene from a movie....where the dork gets befriended by the popular kids, she gets all excited, and the next day she comes to school and finds out it was all a prank. I was waiting for the doctor to come around the corner and tell me I just got Punk'd. Unfortunately....this was not a bad was our reality.

I must have cried for 5 days. My husband even cried with me. I have never seen someone be so strong for me ever, he was truly my rock. I love him even more now that before (is that even possible?!) for going through this with me. There are still many days I think about it (almost everyday) and it just makes me cry. We loved our bean so we have a angel in heaven.

I am now going on cycle #6 after my miscarriage. It happened so easy the first time. This time, it is taking a little bit longer. I am actually okay with that though. The more months that pass, the more I long for this child. The more I realize how lucky I will be to be able to bring a baby into this world. I pray everyday for our little miracle....and one day, they will be ours to hold.

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