Lilypie Second Birthday tickers

Lilypie Second Birthday tickers

Friday, June 27, 2008

well damn...

haha. The dumb picture things screwed up. The top pic is now and the bottom pic is before...not like you smart people couldn't figure that out ;)

So...yeah its time for a change.

So the first pic is what I used to look like after losing 110 lbs. I want this back. It took me nearly a year and about 2 hours of workouts everyday, but I did it.

The now. I don't like the now.

I asked my DH if it would be okay to join a gym tonight. He is a stickler for money and with the gas prices and raising costs in general, I was skeptical he would be okay with it. I mean, a extra $50 a month when money is tight is hard. But, I love him so much for this, he surprised me and told me that if it would make me happy...we could do that. He even said he would go with me! I am completely floored by that...he is not the athletic type! So, next week is gym shopping week.

My goal is to lose at least 30 lbs in 3 months. I need to get it off before starting to TTC again. I think it will make it easier next time on my body in general, to not only get pregnant, but to be healthy while pregnant. I am at such a risk right now for Gestational Diabetes (my sister had it, and my dad is insulin dependent). It helps and motivates that my doctor wants me to lose some weight as well, for me. I just have to get a kick in the ass every once and a while to get it done. Seeing these pictures side by side gives me that kick.

I did it before...I will do it again :)

Wednesday, June 25, 2008

Thanks Amanda...This poem is so true.

There are women who become mothers without effort,
without thought,
without patience or loss,
and though they are good mothers and love their children,
I know that I will be better.

I will be better not because of genetics or money or because I have read more books,
but because I have struggled and toiled for this child.

I have longed and waited.
I have cried and prayed.
I have endured and planned over and over again.

Like most things in life, the people who truly have appreciation are those who have struggled to attain their dreams.

I will notice everything about my child.
I will take time to watch my child sleep,
and discover.
I will marvel at this miracle every day for the rest of my life.

I will be happy when I wake in the middle of the night to the sound of my child, knowing that I can comfort, hold, and feed him and that I am not waking to take another temperature, pop another pill, take another shot or cry tears of a broken dream.
My dream will be crying for me.

I count myself lucky in this sense; that God has given me this insight, this special vision with which I will look upon my child.

Whether I parent a child I actually give birth to or a child that God leads me to, I will not be careless with my love.

I will be a better mother for all that I have endured. I am a better wife, a better aunt, a better daughter, neighbor, friend, and sister because I have known pain.

I know disillusionment, as I have been betrayed by my own body. I have been tried by fire and hell that many never face, yet given time, I stood tall.

I have prevailed.
I have succeeded.
I have won.

So now, when others hurt around me, I do not run from their pain in order to save myself discomfort. I see it, mourn it, and join them in theirs.
I listen.
And even though I cannot make it better, I can make it less lonely.

I have learned the immense power of another hand holding tight to mine, of other eyes that moisten as they learn to accept the harsh truth when life is beyond hard.

I have learned a compassion that only comes by walking in those shoes. I have learned to appreciate life.

Yes, I will be a wonderful mother.

(yes, this poem made me cry like a baby, big time)

Tuesday, June 24, 2008

Day 2 is harder I think

"For I have plans for you,' sayeth the Lord, 'plans to prosper you and not to harm you. Plans to give you a hope and a future." Jeremiah 3:22

I am really feeling the pain today. Its not only the physical soreness and such, but the heartbreak. When I wrote that my body needed closure, I didn't realize how right I really was. I am feeling pretty low right now...I don't want to eat, have lost a little hope, and all I want to do it sleep. Its like a depression. Of course, my body needs time to heal. It needs to grieve my loss, and I need to mourn my baby. I loved this little one...I will always love this little one.

On a happier note, here are my goals before we try to try again.

1. My # 1 one goal is to lose weight. I lost about 110 lbs about 2 years ago and I have gained quite a bit back. My ultimate goal is to lose 50 lbs. No, I will not lose that in 3 months, but I am hoping to lose about 30 by then...lofty, I know.

2. Get together a remeberance box for my little ones. Include u/s pics, pee stick pics, letters my DH and I wrote about their memories and my hospital bracelets, etc. I am really excited about doing this.

3. Find a new job. I love my job, I do, and as much as they are like family, I think I need something more. They know we are trying to have a baby, and now with 2 losses, they will be asking more and more every month if I am pregnant. I need a fresh beginning, where no one knows my back story unless I decide to tell them, and my co-workers don't know the time my period starts every month (seriously, How The Hell Do They Know This?!?!?) I actually got a call about a registration rep manager job in a hospital and put in there application and they are doing my background checks as we speak. I am pretty stoked about this.

Thats all I got for now. I will probably come up with more in the coming months.

God Bless.

Monday, June 23, 2008

Its really over now...

I have my D&C today, and have been looking forward to it. I want to know that my uterus "looks" okay, and that there is nothing wrong on that end. But, when I was hugging DH today and sending him off to work...I started crying, hard. My surgery today means its all over. Everything will be gone, no baby left. It made me realize thats its all over, that we have to start again. I guess this is the realization my body was searching for. Last time I had my m/c, they did everything in one day. This time I have had nearly a week between the bad news and the procedure. I have felt like I was in shock the past couple of days. I was in a numb state, not knowing what to feel or what to think. I felt guilty for taking the new better this time. I felt like I was a bitter person for thinking, well I kinda thought it might happen. I think what my body and mind were looking for the closure of it all. I think a lot of tears will be shed today. I am okay with that. I am okay because I have been waiting for the floodgates to open. I have felt so bad that I haven't cried too much. I have felt really numb to it all. But, finally, I have my closure.

According to aerodynamic laws, the bumblebee cannot fly. Its body weight is not the right proportion to its wingspan. Ignoring these laws, the bee flies anyway.
~M. Sainte-Lague

Thursday, June 19, 2008

the tears start coming at 2 am every morning...

2 am is my emotional time. the house is quiet, my awesome husband sleeps, and I remember my baby. I feel the need to be strong. I feel the need to make everyone think I am okay. I am not okay.

When the house is quiet, I can think. I don't have the phone calls that ask how I am doing. I don't have the people stopping by to see if I am okay. I just have myself and my emotions. This is the time I cherish. I want to remember my babies. I loved them, and its hard to let them go.

I Will Carry You

There were photographs I wanted to take
Things I wanted to show you
Sing sweet lullabies, wipe your teary eyes
Who could love you like this?

People say that I am brave but I'm not
Truth is I'm barely hanging on
But there's a greater story
Written long before me
Because He loves you like this

So I will carry you
While your heart beats here
Long beyond the empty cradle
Through the coming years
I will carry you
All my life
And I will praise the One Who's chosen me
To carry you

Such a short time
Such a long road
All this madness
But I know
That the silence
Has brought me to His voice
And He says...

I've shown her photographs of time beginning
Walked her through the parted seas
Angel lullabies, no more teary eyes
Who could love her like this?

I will carry you
While your heart beats here
Long beyond the empty cradle
Through the coming years
I will carry you
All your life
And I will praise the One Who's chosen Me
To carry you

many emotions...

I have felt about a million emotions in the past week. One week ago yesterday, we saw our baby's heartbeat for the first time. We were ecstatic. I cried and DH giggled like a schoolgirl. Then, the spotting started. I was figuring it must have been from the exam and ultrasound, right? I mean, this cannot be happening again. There is no way we would have that bad of luck. See, when you see your baby's heartbeat, you have about a 95% chance that your baby will be okay. The majority of chromosomal abnormalities that cause miscarriages will not even let the heart beat. This is why so many people have early miscarriages and the % of risk goes down each week. So, even with the spotting I just kept repeating 5% every time I went to the bathroom and saw spotting. The spotting was intermittent until Sunday...Father's Day of all days, when I passed a few clots. Small ones, but clots nonetheless. I freaked, called the on-call doctor, and she said as long as I wasn't cramping, I should come in the next morning for a ultrasound. I couldn't stop crying, but my amazing husband kept telling me it would be okay. I believed him.

Monday comes and I go in right at 9:30. I was by myself, terrified of what they might find, and wondering if I would have a anxiety attack right there on the ultrasound table! Time moved so slowly. We started the ultrasound, and I held my breath. I just kept praying that God would make everything okay, and I could hear that amazing sound of my baby's heart once again. What felt like a million minutes later...there it was. Bum Bum, bum bum. It was so strong. The baby even grew! It had little arms and legs. It was at least a 1/4 of a inch longer! I was relieved.

I went through that day with no spotting and not a fear in the world. I mean, we saw the heartbeat twice. There has to be better odds with that! We loved this baby so much. We talked to baby every night. Travis put his hand on my belly every night and we prayed that God would keep our baby safe. We adored this child already.

Monday night, the day I heard my baby for the second time, I started cramping a little. I was so happy from that day I kept telling myself it was just cramping from the uterus stretching. It was okay, and I went to bed. The next morning, I still had cramping, but I had the worst morning sickness of my life, so I figured everything was still okay. I go to work, sit down at my desk and go on with my day. I started bleeding heavier that day and the cramps got continuously worse, but I kept telling myself it would be fine. It wasn't until about 3 pm that I started passing clots and had my husband pick me up from work to take me to the ER. Something was just not right.

When we get to the ER I started gushing blood (sorry TMI). I knew it was all over by then. 5 long hours later, we have made the decision to cremate the baby and I am sent home with medicine and a broken heart. You know, they don't make any medicine for that?! They really should, because thats what hurts the most. :(

So, emotions are running wild inside of me. I am most obviously upset. I am pissed off that it could happen again. I am scared that my body just doesn't like being pregnant. I am worried that they may not find out what wrong with me and I may never have babies of my own. I am depressed. I am confused. And most of all I am broken-hearted. We loved this little one. We loved our other little one we lost too. And I don't want to have anymore angels in heaven. 2 is enough for me. The next one, I wanna hold in my arms.

Success consists of going from failure to failure without loss of enthusiasm.
~Winston Churchill

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