many emotions...

I have felt about a million emotions in the past week. One week ago yesterday, we saw our baby's heartbeat for the first time. We were ecstatic. I cried and DH giggled like a schoolgirl. Then, the spotting started. I was figuring it must have been from the exam and ultrasound, right? I mean, this cannot be happening again. There is no way we would have that bad of luck. See, when you see your baby's heartbeat, you have about a 95% chance that your baby will be okay. The majority of chromosomal abnormalities that cause miscarriages will not even let the heart beat. This is why so many people have early miscarriages and the % of risk goes down each week. So, even with the spotting I just kept repeating 5% every time I went to the bathroom and saw spotting. The spotting was intermittent until Sunday...Father's Day of all days, when I passed a few clots. Small ones, but clots nonetheless. I freaked, called the on-call doctor, and she said as long as I wasn't cramping, I should come in the next morning for a ultrasound. I couldn't stop crying, but my amazing husband kept telling me it would be okay. I believed him.

Monday comes and I go in right at 9:30. I was by myself, terrified of what they might find, and wondering if I would have a anxiety attack right there on the ultrasound table! Time moved so slowly. We started the ultrasound, and I held my breath. I just kept praying that God would make everything okay, and I could hear that amazing sound of my baby's heart once again. What felt like a million minutes later...there it was. Bum Bum, bum bum. It was so strong. The baby even grew! It had little arms and legs. It was at least a 1/4 of a inch longer! I was relieved.

I went through that day with no spotting and not a fear in the world. I mean, we saw the heartbeat twice. There has to be better odds with that! We loved this baby so much. We talked to baby every night. Travis put his hand on my belly every night and we prayed that God would keep our baby safe. We adored this child already.

Monday night, the day I heard my baby for the second time, I started cramping a little. I was so happy from that day I kept telling myself it was just cramping from the uterus stretching. It was okay, and I went to bed. The next morning, I still had cramping, but I had the worst morning sickness of my life, so I figured everything was still okay. I go to work, sit down at my desk and go on with my day. I started bleeding heavier that day and the cramps got continuously worse, but I kept telling myself it would be fine. It wasn't until about 3 pm that I started passing clots and had my husband pick me up from work to take me to the ER. Something was just not right.

When we get to the ER I started gushing blood (sorry TMI). I knew it was all over by then. 5 long hours later, we have made the decision to cremate the baby and I am sent home with medicine and a broken heart. You know, they don't make any medicine for that?! They really should, because thats what hurts the most. :(

So, emotions are running wild inside of me. I am most obviously upset. I am pissed off that it could happen again. I am scared that my body just doesn't like being pregnant. I am worried that they may not find out what wrong with me and I may never have babies of my own. I am depressed. I am confused. And most of all I am broken-hearted. We loved this little one. We loved our other little one we lost too. And I don't want to have anymore angels in heaven. 2 is enough for me. The next one, I wanna hold in my arms.


Success consists of going from failure to failure without loss of enthusiasm.
~Winston Churchill