Thursday, August 14, 2008

I feel like its my fault

My amazing, loving, honest, never hurt a fly husband has shingles. Yep...shingles. He started with a rash on his face that we both thought came from shaving. This "rash" started to spread to his hair line and neck, and behind his ears and he started getting these horrible shooting pains up through his face. That was enough "bravery" for me...he had to go to the doc, which he put up a fight for, but he finally relented and went.

Shingles is basically chicken pox for adults. Adults who have had chicken pox keep it dormant in their system, until the "lucky" few get shingles. Shingles is brought on in mostly older people, that are sick, tired, or namely, stressed. My husband is the stressed one....and its all my fault! His doctor even said he was so surprised to see it in a patient so young (29). I feel so bad for him.

Ever since my 2nd m/c, Travis has been taking things harder. He gets upset to see me upset, he feels like he let me down because he wasn't able to protect me, and he has been throwing himself into work and school, just trying to keep his mind off of it. Since then, he has been under tremendous amounts of stress.

Now this is not a woe is me sort of post. I am seriously worried about him. I really feel like if my silly body would just cooperate with my pregnancies, then we wouldn't be in this situation. Travis would be a doting dad right now instead of in intense pain that makes him clinch his jaws in mid-sentence. This sucks that I added to his stress, and may have even caused it. But, I am able to understand that there are tons of things in life that I cannot control, and this is one of them.

The problem is...call it the Catholic in me...is that I have such extreme guilt that I "caused" this, that I am waiting on him hand and foot, constantly apologizing to him and asking him if he is okay. He loves it, but deep down I know I am starting to annoy him.

Well, anyway, this is more a vent...I just need to get over myself ;)